Yours To Destroy

           In one way or another, I have always failed in life. It sometimes would take a while, but when it came down to it, the ending has always been the same. Failure. From my earliest memories when I was a little kid, I was never able to maintain any kind of consistency. I don't think I had bad intentions but somehow I always failed. Always the kid with "so much potential" but was never able to use that potential in a positive way. Always a loser by the end of the race. This always caused me to end up in trouble at school, at home, ect. As I got older, things only became worse. Eventually this caused me to end up with the wrong crowd and I became the definition of an "troubled teenager". Drugs, trouble with the law, probation, and eventually in-patient drug rehab. Finally, at 17, I was able to get clean off of drugs and "start over".  This was the biggest accomplishment of my life at this point and for the first time, I felt like failure wasn't an option anymore. Fast forward 3 years. I am 20 years old and seem to have things under control. Stable job, car, nice place to live. I somehow by the grace of god answer the door at the house I was living at and I see an absolute Angel. The most beautiful girl I have ever known is standing there asking me if my roommate's girlfriend was there. Hardly able to speak, I mumble some nonsense and just pointed downstairs. About 2 weeks later, I am told this girl wants me to take her out on a date. I could hardly believe it, but of course, I didn't ask questions and accepted the challenge. After several years of spending practically every minute with this amazing girl, I realized I had found my soul-mate and I asked her to marry me. Yet again, I caught a break and she said yes. I felt like I was the luckiest man in the world. Over the years, we have been on some of the craziest adventures together life could throw at us. We have lived in 6 different states, had two beautiful children (although we lost our son Connor who is waiting for us in heaven) and have been a fantastic team. I have willingly supported her through her career in the Air Force and have always been very proud of her. I may not have shown it as often as I should have, but I knew in my heart, through her, I was apart of something bigger. I had the portrait of the perfect life, a beautiful daughter and loving wife. The problem is, at some point along the way, I have failed again. I don't know how, or when, but I did. I somehow without realizing it, took advantage of the most important person in my life and pushed her away. Pushed her to the point where she not only no longer loves me. Here is the kicker. Yet again, just like when I was a kid, and a teenager, I can't put my finger on what went wrong. I just failed. Still in my head but out of mind, there is still something I can't resolve. I am no longer the person she wants to be with and I feel like I have lost everything. My family is the most important thing to me and somehow, I have done whatever it takes to mess things up and end up in the cellar. Unfortunately, this feels all too familiar. I am unwilling to accept this as my destiny. I will give it all until my river runs dry. I will never understand why my wife and my best friend no longer loves me.Why, after everything we have been through together, she no longer wants to be with me. To be my wife, to be my companion, and to be my best friend. All I can hope is that the person who I have tried to be with every ounce of my being, the best husband, the best father, and a giving member to society, will at some point help me to finally win. To not be picked last. To succeed. I believe I am a better person because of our time together. And I have been given the greatest gifts a man could ever ask for: my little angel here on earth Keira, and my littler angel in heaven, Connor.  But I am tired of failing. I am tired of losing. I would do anything to turn back time and try again. But the difference between this time and all the other times is I believe in my heart that my intentions have always been good. I know there are things that I could have done better because there will always be things everyone could do better. To me, love is forever. That being said, I am confident that the person losing out or "failing" in this situation is her. Although I feel confident she will never find someone who loves and supports her the way I have, I wish her luck.  As for me, I guess it's time to start over. Again.