No longer single: new baby on the way

 Hey all! I know it’s been a hot minute since I posted on here but yet here we are! Fantastic news one the horizon in the Eyer family! Keira is nearly weeks away from entering HIGH SCHOOL which freaks me out in every possible which way and Lauren and I are expecting our first child together come late January. We couldn’t be more excited! Baby is due Jan 20, 2022 Excited to keep everyone

Health & Perfection

So I realized fairly recently that it has been over a year since my last blog post. There are a number of potential reasons on why it has been so long. I tend to blame it on my lack of needing to bitch, combined with a busy life, and not a ton of alone time. All of these things are positive reasons so lets just leave it at that. Also, if you are reading this, you probably already know that my amazing, insanely beautiful girlfriend Lauren moved in with me this year and she has been the absolute definition of amazing. Unfortunately, this last year has still been a wild ride for me. Obviously I have continued to battle the genetic gods who have decided that poking at my organs like a voodoo doll is super fun. This year's pin cushion was my kidneys which are not filtering properly. As a result, I have been going through several rounds of medication that have super crappy side effects. The great news is, as I have been trying to figure out the best way to take care of myself with each "unsolved mystery," my support team as never been stronger. There are so many different moving parts that come with my medical ailments. From multiple weekly doctors appointments to the frustration of all the side effects, sometimes it feels like too much. To be completely honest, I get angry, frustrated, and frankly at times just want to give up. If it wasn't for my daily support team of family, friends, and Lauren, I would have probably already called it a day. If you ask me, my biggest character flaw is my constant strive toward perfection. Typically, not "half-assing" things is not a flaw. I just can't stand mediocrity. My constant goal of being perfect gets me every time.

This is where my support team comes into play. Whether it be at home, at work, or basically anywhere else, I am so unbelievably blessed. Despite all the crazy things that have happened, most of the time I feel like nobody is luckier than me. Every time I feel like the world is crashing down, something happens that reminds me of how far I am from being alone. Somebody always comes through in a way that I wasn't expecting.  After spending the evening with a buddy who also has his own struggles, I was again reminded of how everything we all deal with should be put into perspective. While I deal with whatever weird issue I am going through at the time, it's sometimes good to be reminded that it's not just you that is going through daily bullshit. Or weekly/monthly/yearly nonsense that can make anyone want to quit when it comes to life. Regardless, I am consistently reminded how perfection shouldn't be my goal. It helps me learn that I should focus on is what is in front of me that minute. Task at hand. That is what will make me my best. At at the end of each day, I am the luckiest guy I know, because I never have to worry about about being alone. My support team is and always will be here 24/7. Perfection isn't key. Just doing my best every day and appreciating those around me is best. 

Let me tell you what it's like...

Have you ever wondered what it's going to be like when you die? I don't mean whether you go to heaven or hell. Or whether you will come back as a cat, or a zebra or even another human being. I mean how it is going to effect the people around you. Your friends, or your family or children. I wonder that every day. I honestly try not too but I can't help it.

A long time ago I watched a movie called "Final Destination." It's a movie about a teenage kid who convinced 6 others to get off a plane because of a bad feeling. He and the others watch as the plane takes off and immediately explodes killing everyone on board moments after leaving the ground. One by one the people who were suppose to be on that plane and cheated death get picked off and die, one after the other. I feel like I am one of those people.

I have dodged death quite a few times now. I was in a rollover car wreck going over 90 miles an hour in the middle of nowhere. I have been brought back to life via CPR after essentially drowning in a lake. Of course most recently I suffered a stroke followed by two separate emergency brain surgeries to remove a clot in a vein going to my brain. I am now dealing with unexplained kidney disease that has doctor's baffled. These are the physical deaths I have dodged. Then there is the psychological tragedies I have overcome in the recent past including losing a parent, a marriage, and losing my son.

It would have been so easy to have given up. I have to be honest. I have wondered "Why me?" more times than I could ever count. It's difficult to constantly worry in the back of your mind if this is "the last time I will be doing this." I feel like I am good person and I try to be a good dad and role model for my daughter. I try to be nice to people and I try and be there for my friends and family whenever I can. I do my best to give back to my community. Honestly though, these are the reasons why I keep on. If death is coming for me, bring it on. Until that day comes, I am not going to stop.

Life sometimes doesn't make sense. People who don't deserve things are gifted them for what seems like no apparent reason at all. I constantly have to convince myself that it's not for me to judge why some seem so lucky while others struggle everyday. I know I am far more fortunate than many and most of the time I feel very blessed. I just want these medical problems to stop and be given the chance to be there for Keira for at least her entire childhood. I want to be around and have the opportunity to have an awesome relationship and prove that I can be the amazing boyfriend/husband that I know I am capable of being. I want to make a difference in other people's lives in a positive way for as long as possible. 

None of these things I have been though in my life have been easy, but one by one I have overcome them with the help of a fantastic support group. This kidney disease is the next chapter that I am already convinced I will overcome. Watch me and follow along as I beat this just as I have every other obstacle in the past. Nothing will stop me. Not this, not anything.

In Memory... (With a little help from some friends)

Back in 2010, my son Connor Michael was born far too soon. At less than a pound at birth, he fought as hard as he could for 14 days before we lost him to Heaven. Every year since he passed away, I have been very active with the March Of Dimes by doing a March For Babies campaign. Not only do I enjoy it, but I feel like I am making a difference by raising both money for research/helping families as well as awareness.

Here is a link to my March For Babies camaign page. Please consider donating to help us reach our goal.

Earlier this year, I asked professional artist Chris Shary if he would be willing to do a sharpie drawing of Connor. Chris is best known for doing all the artwork for the bands The Descendents/ALL as well as others. He used a photo of Connor I gave him and by my request, he eliminated the medical tubes and tape from the drawing so I had a picture of just Connor. It turned out absolutely incredible and I couldn't be more honored and pleased with the result. I now have the original art in a custom frame hanging on my wall as a daily reminder of my beautiful baby boy.

I came up with an idea and thought it would be awesome if I could use this drawing, and take it a step further. I decided to reach out to the owners of my favorite clothing company, Legionnaire Apparel, and see if it would be possible to get this incredible drawing on a tee for all of the friends and family who are walking with us this year with March For Babies to wear during the walk. I received an immediate response from Joe Moxley, one of the co-owners of Legionnaire, (the other owner being Mike Herrera from the band MXPX who I absolutely love) saying that they would be honored to help make this happen for me. Joe and I worked together to come up with a design and it turned out absolutely fantastic.

Check out all the amazing Legionnaire clothing here

These people are amazing. The kindness of Chris, Joe & Mike is enough to bring tears to my eyes, even as I type this. I miss my son every day and I truly hope in my heart that with the help of my family, my friends, and the kindness of strangers we are making a difference for little ones born too soon in the future.

Struggling...

The last few days have not been good. I am able to put on a "happy face" when I'm distracted. When I'm not, I am glad I am alone because I would be embarrassed to let people see me. I am sad, I breakdown, and I even have feelings of wishing the fucking stroke took me out. For being the guy who "everybody loves," why is it so impossible to find someone who will love me the way I need right now? I feel like I am broken. The type of guy who on the surface seems fantastic. Sweet sugary shell, but eventually you get to the sour disgusting center. I recently have been reading about how many stoke victims show signs of depressions during recovery. I looked this up because these feelings are not normal for me. I don't know if this is why I am feeling this way or if it's simply because I am lonely. Not in the sense that I don't have hundreds of friends and family members to call or see at any moment. I know that I do. I've never done well alone and I probably never will. I simply still to this day don't understand why I was rejected in the first place and I worry I will never be someone who will be loved again. Although my memory is not great, I honestly can't remember the last time I cried. That is until last Monday. It has happened several times since then as well. Complete breakdowns. So then what do I do? I subconsciously push people away by bringing up the things about me that make me undesirable. Doesn't that sound like the guy you would want to consider spending the rest of your life with? I have so much to give and nobody to give it too. If you are reading this, it's important to understand that this does not effect how I act or feel or love Keira in any way. When we are together, I am happy and have a purpose. It's when we are not that I am talking about. I'm sure I will bounce back from this. I just need to somehow figure out how. It's crappy to me that I feel like I need that type of love in my life to be okay with myself. I used to have a ton of self-confidence. It's missing. If anyone has seen it, let me know...

Confusion is my middle name.

Tonight is one of those nights where I am just simply confused. I sit here by myself with so many unanswered questions. Why am I here alone? Why did I almost just die? Why am I just now figuring out that I have so many ailments? I am having one of those weird moments where I am completely unsure if my glass is half full or is it half empty? I turn 35 years old next week and truly don't know where I stand. I think about where I wanted to be by now when I was 21 years old and am honestly at this moment simply feeling sad. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am completely aware of how lucky I am. I could write down words until tomorrow of all the things in my life that I am grateful for. Most of the time I feel so happy and optimistic. But at this moment, for a few minutes, I feel both sad and scared. I sort of feel like that's okay. I can have moments like this now and again right? I am allowed too? Maybe someday I will have a house again, and a family. I won't have to have nights where I am all by myself, afraid of why my arm is tingling, or twitching. Or at least I will have someone next to me to tell me not to to worry and everything is going to be okay. I won't feel scared every night that it's only a matter of time before then next scary thing happens to me without any warning or reason. Tomorrow I will probably wake up back to my normal self. Tonight I am just not okay and there isn't anyone here to tell. I will just write it down, and try and sleep. It is what it is, as they say. Good Night.

Cam

#meant4more

Have you ever woke up one day and had the overwhelming feeling like somehow along the way, you might have really blown it? I felt that way a few days ago and it's been weighing on me. It has nothing to do with self pity, or not feeling like I am good enough or any of those types of things. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Every so often I think back to my teenage years and start obsessing on why. Like seriously, why?!? I realize a lot of you don't know my back story but I am not talking your typical "kids will be kids" scenario. It was bad. I am not going to get into the details because I don't think they are that important but I seriously missed the bus to normal-ville when it came to my high school years. Was I somehow able to bounce back? Yes. How? I dare to say that anyone who was around for that ride will not have an answer, including me. But this leads me back to potential. I look at my life now and I am obviously pleased. I am doing just fine for myself and my daughter. Especially given the circumstances. And don't get me wrong, I am proud of that. I just sometimes wonder "what if". What if I wasn't such a fuck up and had actually tried back then. What if I would have made better decisions then, which would have impacted today. For whatever reason, and maybe it's because I am a cocky SOB, I feel like I am suppose to be more. Honestly, I don't really believe there is any reason why I can't. Yes, there are going to be some limitations. I can't just up and move to California to follow a dream like I once could. I think that is okay. I just don't want to settle. Settling sucks. Being lazy sucks. I want to feel like I'm making a difference. I'll start with the difference I know I make for Keira. I know that is a good place to start.  I plan to let it snowball from there. I don't know how yet, but I am going to do something more. It may not be tomorrow, or next week, or even next month but it will happen in the near future. If you think this is lame, cool. This is for me. Being just satisfied sucks. I want more.