Struggling...

The last few days have not been good. I am able to put on a "happy face" when I'm distracted. When I'm not, I am glad I am alone because I would be embarrassed to let people see me. I am sad, I breakdown, and I even have feelings of wishing the fucking stroke took me out. For being the guy who "everybody loves," why is it so impossible to find someone who will love me the way I need right now? I feel like I am broken. The type of guy who on the surface seems fantastic. Sweet sugary shell, but eventually you get to the sour disgusting center. I recently have been reading about how many stoke victims show signs of depressions during recovery. I looked this up because these feelings are not normal for me. I don't know if this is why I am feeling this way or if it's simply because I am lonely. Not in the sense that I don't have hundreds of friends and family members to call or see at any moment. I know that I do. I've never done well alone and I probably never will. I simply still to this day don't understand why I was rejected in the first place and I worry I will never be someone who will be loved again. Although my memory is not great, I honestly can't remember the last time I cried. That is until last Monday. It has happened several times since then as well. Complete breakdowns. So then what do I do? I subconsciously push people away by bringing up the things about me that make me undesirable. Doesn't that sound like the guy you would want to consider spending the rest of your life with? I have so much to give and nobody to give it too. If you are reading this, it's important to understand that this does not effect how I act or feel or love Keira in any way. When we are together, I am happy and have a purpose. It's when we are not that I am talking about. I'm sure I will bounce back from this. I just need to somehow figure out how. It's crappy to me that I feel like I need that type of love in my life to be okay with myself. I used to have a ton of self-confidence. It's missing. If anyone has seen it, let me know...