First of all, I would like to say I appreciate all the nice things a bunch of you all (my friends and family) said after reading my last blog. As you know, I put my heart into these blogs and it seems to be the only way I can get out how I really feel. I was told several things today that, as I am trying to heal, tore me back down again. Because of this, I said some things back that were very hurtful and then immediately felt horrible. As I won't get into too much detail about all the things said, I do want to talk about one. I was told that over the last several years, I have been a bad husband. Keeping in mind that there are always things that go on behind closed doors that only my future-ex wife and I know, for the most part my life is an open book thanks to social networking and blogging. I will NEVER claim to be the perfect husband. I am 100% aware there are things I could have done better. But there is also a list of things I think I did really well. In my heart, I believe that list is a lot longer. To me, a good husband is someone who is supportive. I was supportive by, because of her career, I was constantly relocating, finding different jobs or transferring my current job but having to reprove myself time and time again. To me a good husband is someone you can count on to make sure the household runs smoothly. Whether that be physical things like repairing things that are broken, dealing with service techs for the things I can't repair myself, running the household while she was deployed for six months, and sharing the household duties. To be a good husband is also to be a good father. I think I am a great dad and I think I have proved that every second since the day my children were born. A little less than 2 years ago, when we lost our son Connor, it was the most devastating thing I have ever gone through. And although I was in more pain than I can put in words, I did everything in my power to support my wife and put her first, because I knew she was hurting even more.
Each day is a challenge for me. I have to force myself to get up in the morning. I have to force myself to think about how this divorce is about to go down. Then I have to force myself to talk about it knowing that every time we talk, it ends in a fight. My goal (and her's too) when this all started to take place was for us to try and remain friends for two reasons. One reason is obvious, which is for the sake of Keira. I don't want her to grow up with parents who hate each other. The second reason is because we have no other option but to live in the same house together for the next 3-5 months. Most of the time we can barely make it though a day. I no longer have any desire to save this marriage. The person I fell in love with never came back from that deployment. Maybe she has been gone even longer than that.
One of my favorite bands, Yellowcard, just put out a new record. There is a song on there that jumped out at me called "Awakening". The lyrics speak to me in that they describe a place in this separation that I really want to be:
Bottoms up tonight I drink to you and I
'cause with the morning comes the rest of my life
And with this empty glass, I will break the past
'cause with the morning I can open my eyes
I want this to be my awakening
I give this one to you, an anthem full of truth
I tell you now, an epic tail, of what you put me through
And even though you don't, deserve one of your own
A melody, a song about the life that you let go
I can't believe that I still care enough to write
Bottoms up tonight, I drink to you and I
'cause with the morning comes the rest of my life
And with this empty glass, I will break the past
'cause with the morning I can open my eyes
I want this to be my awakening
Yes I miss you still, And probably always will
I'm living with, a busted heart, that I will have until
I find the strength I know, its somewhere in my bones
So pull the curtain up again, and get on with this show
At least you know that I care enough to write
Bottoms up tonight, I drink to you and I
'cause with the morning comes the rest of my life
And with this empty glass, I will break the past
'cause with the morning I can open my eyes
And maybe I will see, a different destiny
Like maybe knowing you, at all was only a bad dream
I want this to be my awakening
No rest for the wicked they say
Forgive me if I try to change
No rest for the wicked they say
Forgive me if I try to change
Bottoms up tonight, I drink to you and I
'cause with the morning comes the rest of my life
And with this empty glass, I will break the past
'cause with the morning I can open my eyes
And maybe I will see, a different destiny
Like maybe knowing you at all, was only a bad dream
I want this to be my awakening
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