Struggling...

The last few days have not been good. I am able to put on a "happy face" when I'm distracted. When I'm not, I am glad I am alone because I would be embarrassed to let people see me. I am sad, I breakdown, and I even have feelings of wishing the fucking stroke took me out. For being the guy who "everybody loves," why is it so impossible to find someone who will love me the way I need right now? I feel like I am broken. The type of guy who on the surface seems fantastic. Sweet sugary shell, but eventually you get to the sour disgusting center. I recently have been reading about how many stoke victims show signs of depressions during recovery. I looked this up because these feelings are not normal for me. I don't know if this is why I am feeling this way or if it's simply because I am lonely. Not in the sense that I don't have hundreds of friends and family members to call or see at any moment. I know that I do. I've never done well alone and I probably never will. I simply still to this day don't understand why I was rejected in the first place and I worry I will never be someone who will be loved again. Although my memory is not great, I honestly can't remember the last time I cried. That is until last Monday. It has happened several times since then as well. Complete breakdowns. So then what do I do? I subconsciously push people away by bringing up the things about me that make me undesirable. Doesn't that sound like the guy you would want to consider spending the rest of your life with? I have so much to give and nobody to give it too. If you are reading this, it's important to understand that this does not effect how I act or feel or love Keira in any way. When we are together, I am happy and have a purpose. It's when we are not that I am talking about. I'm sure I will bounce back from this. I just need to somehow figure out how. It's crappy to me that I feel like I need that type of love in my life to be okay with myself. I used to have a ton of self-confidence. It's missing. If anyone has seen it, let me know...

Confusion is my middle name.

Tonight is one of those nights where I am just simply confused. I sit here by myself with so many unanswered questions. Why am I here alone? Why did I almost just die? Why am I just now figuring out that I have so many ailments? I am having one of those weird moments where I am completely unsure if my glass is half full or is it half empty? I turn 35 years old next week and truly don't know where I stand. I think about where I wanted to be by now when I was 21 years old and am honestly at this moment simply feeling sad. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am completely aware of how lucky I am. I could write down words until tomorrow of all the things in my life that I am grateful for. Most of the time I feel so happy and optimistic. But at this moment, for a few minutes, I feel both sad and scared. I sort of feel like that's okay. I can have moments like this now and again right? I am allowed too? Maybe someday I will have a house again, and a family. I won't have to have nights where I am all by myself, afraid of why my arm is tingling, or twitching. Or at least I will have someone next to me to tell me not to to worry and everything is going to be okay. I won't feel scared every night that it's only a matter of time before then next scary thing happens to me without any warning or reason. Tomorrow I will probably wake up back to my normal self. Tonight I am just not okay and there isn't anyone here to tell. I will just write it down, and try and sleep. It is what it is, as they say. Good Night.

Cam

#meant4more

Have you ever woke up one day and had the overwhelming feeling like somehow along the way, you might have really blown it? I felt that way a few days ago and it's been weighing on me. It has nothing to do with self pity, or not feeling like I am good enough or any of those types of things. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Every so often I think back to my teenage years and start obsessing on why. Like seriously, why?!? I realize a lot of you don't know my back story but I am not talking your typical "kids will be kids" scenario. It was bad. I am not going to get into the details because I don't think they are that important but I seriously missed the bus to normal-ville when it came to my high school years. Was I somehow able to bounce back? Yes. How? I dare to say that anyone who was around for that ride will not have an answer, including me. But this leads me back to potential. I look at my life now and I am obviously pleased. I am doing just fine for myself and my daughter. Especially given the circumstances. And don't get me wrong, I am proud of that. I just sometimes wonder "what if". What if I wasn't such a fuck up and had actually tried back then. What if I would have made better decisions then, which would have impacted today. For whatever reason, and maybe it's because I am a cocky SOB, I feel like I am suppose to be more. Honestly, I don't really believe there is any reason why I can't. Yes, there are going to be some limitations. I can't just up and move to California to follow a dream like I once could. I think that is okay. I just don't want to settle. Settling sucks. Being lazy sucks. I want to feel like I'm making a difference. I'll start with the difference I know I make for Keira. I know that is a good place to start.  I plan to let it snowball from there. I don't know how yet, but I am going to do something more. It may not be tomorrow, or next week, or even next month but it will happen in the near future. If you think this is lame, cool. This is for me. Being just satisfied sucks. I want more.