I Want This To Be My Awakening....

First of all, I would like to say I appreciate all the nice things a bunch of you all (my friends and family) said after reading my last blog. As you know, I put my heart into these blogs and it seems to be the only way I can get out how I really feel. I was told several things today that, as I am trying to heal, tore me back down again. Because of this, I said some things back that were very hurtful and then immediately felt horrible. As I won't get into too much detail about all the things said, I do want to talk about one. I was told that over the last several years, I have been a bad husband. Keeping in mind that there are always things that go on behind closed doors that only my future-ex wife and I know, for the most part my life is an open book thanks to social networking and blogging. I will NEVER claim to be the perfect husband. I am 100% aware there are things I could have done better. But there is also a list of things I think I did really well. In my heart, I believe that list is a lot longer. To me, a good husband is someone who is supportive. I was supportive by, because of her career, I was constantly relocating, finding different jobs or transferring my current job but having to reprove myself time and time again. To me a good husband is someone you can count on to make sure the household runs smoothly. Whether that be physical things like repairing things that are broken, dealing with service techs for the things I can't repair myself, running the household while she was deployed for six months, and sharing the household duties. To be a good husband is also to be a good father. I think I am a great dad and I think I have proved that every second since the day my children were born. A little less than 2 years ago, when we lost our son Connor, it was the most devastating thing I have ever gone through. And although I was in more pain than I can put in words, I did everything in my power to support my wife and put her first, because I knew she was hurting even more.

Each day is a challenge for me. I have to force myself to get up in the morning. I have to force myself to think about how this divorce is about to go down. Then I have to force myself to talk about it knowing that every time we talk, it ends in a fight. My goal (and her's too) when this all started to take place was for us to try and remain friends for two reasons. One reason is obvious, which is for the sake of Keira. I don't want her to grow up with parents who hate each other. The second reason is because we have no other option but to live in the same house together for the next 3-5 months. Most of the time we can barely make it though a day. I no longer have any desire to save this marriage. The person I fell in love with never came back from that deployment. Maybe she has been gone even longer than that.

One of my favorite bands, Yellowcard, just put out a new record. There is a song on there that jumped out at me called "Awakening". The lyrics speak to me in that they describe a place in this separation that I really want to be:

Bottoms up tonight I drink to you and I 
'cause with the morning comes the rest of my life 
And with this empty glass, I will break the past 
'cause with the morning I can open my eyes 
I want this to be my awakening 

I give this one to you, an anthem full of truth 
I tell you now, an epic tail, of what you put me through 
And even though you don't, deserve one of your own 
A melody, a song about the life that you let go 
I can't believe that I still care enough to write 

Bottoms up tonight, I drink to you and I 
'cause with the morning comes the rest of my life 
And with this empty glass, I will break the past 
'cause with the morning I can open my eyes 
I want this to be my awakening 

Yes I miss you still, And probably always will 
I'm living with, a busted heart, that I will have until 
I find the strength I know, its somewhere in my bones 
So pull the curtain up again, and get on with this show 
At least you know that I care enough to write 

Bottoms up tonight, I drink to you and I 
'cause with the morning comes the rest of my life 
And with this empty glass, I will break the past 
'cause with the morning I can open my eyes 
And maybe I will see, a different destiny 
Like maybe knowing you, at all was only a bad dream 
I want this to be my awakening 

No rest for the wicked they say 
Forgive me if I try to change 
No rest for the wicked they say 
Forgive me if I try to change 

Bottoms up tonight, I drink to you and I 
'cause with the morning comes the rest of my life 
And with this empty glass, I will break the past 
'cause with the morning I can open my eyes 
And maybe I will see, a different destiny 
Like maybe knowing you at all, was only a bad dream 
I want this to be my awakening

Yours To Destroy

           In one way or another, I have always failed in life. It sometimes would take a while, but when it came down to it, the ending has always been the same. Failure. From my earliest memories when I was a little kid, I was never able to maintain any kind of consistency. I don't think I had bad intentions but somehow I always failed. Always the kid with "so much potential" but was never able to use that potential in a positive way. Always a loser by the end of the race. This always caused me to end up in trouble at school, at home, ect. As I got older, things only became worse. Eventually this caused me to end up with the wrong crowd and I became the definition of an "troubled teenager". Drugs, trouble with the law, probation, and eventually in-patient drug rehab. Finally, at 17, I was able to get clean off of drugs and "start over".  This was the biggest accomplishment of my life at this point and for the first time, I felt like failure wasn't an option anymore. Fast forward 3 years. I am 20 years old and seem to have things under control. Stable job, car, nice place to live. I somehow by the grace of god answer the door at the house I was living at and I see an absolute Angel. The most beautiful girl I have ever known is standing there asking me if my roommate's girlfriend was there. Hardly able to speak, I mumble some nonsense and just pointed downstairs. About 2 weeks later, I am told this girl wants me to take her out on a date. I could hardly believe it, but of course, I didn't ask questions and accepted the challenge. After several years of spending practically every minute with this amazing girl, I realized I had found my soul-mate and I asked her to marry me. Yet again, I caught a break and she said yes. I felt like I was the luckiest man in the world. Over the years, we have been on some of the craziest adventures together life could throw at us. We have lived in 6 different states, had two beautiful children (although we lost our son Connor who is waiting for us in heaven) and have been a fantastic team. I have willingly supported her through her career in the Air Force and have always been very proud of her. I may not have shown it as often as I should have, but I knew in my heart, through her, I was apart of something bigger. I had the portrait of the perfect life, a beautiful daughter and loving wife. The problem is, at some point along the way, I have failed again. I don't know how, or when, but I did. I somehow without realizing it, took advantage of the most important person in my life and pushed her away. Pushed her to the point where she not only no longer loves me. Here is the kicker. Yet again, just like when I was a kid, and a teenager, I can't put my finger on what went wrong. I just failed. Still in my head but out of mind, there is still something I can't resolve. I am no longer the person she wants to be with and I feel like I have lost everything. My family is the most important thing to me and somehow, I have done whatever it takes to mess things up and end up in the cellar. Unfortunately, this feels all too familiar. I am unwilling to accept this as my destiny. I will give it all until my river runs dry. I will never understand why my wife and my best friend no longer loves me.Why, after everything we have been through together, she no longer wants to be with me. To be my wife, to be my companion, and to be my best friend. All I can hope is that the person who I have tried to be with every ounce of my being, the best husband, the best father, and a giving member to society, will at some point help me to finally win. To not be picked last. To succeed. I believe I am a better person because of our time together. And I have been given the greatest gifts a man could ever ask for: my little angel here on earth Keira, and my littler angel in heaven, Connor.  But I am tired of failing. I am tired of losing. I would do anything to turn back time and try again. But the difference between this time and all the other times is I believe in my heart that my intentions have always been good. I know there are things that I could have done better because there will always be things everyone could do better. To me, love is forever. That being said, I am confident that the person losing out or "failing" in this situation is her. Although I feel confident she will never find someone who loves and supports her the way I have, I wish her luck.  As for me, I guess it's time to start over. Again.