Balancing Plate: Pt 2

So i just wanted an opportunity to explain what  non-sense that goes on any given day in my head. This is not a complaining session, or me looking for pity. This is just me making an attempt to explain what being a single parent is like. I don't know if this is normal for everyone, but I know it's true for me. First of all, I have anxiety. I have started to realize this over the last few months. Sometimes it's about Keira. I feel like being the final (and only) say when it comes to Keira is difficult. When she is with me, and a decision needs to be made, it's mine to make. I don't have that other parent here to bounce that decision off of.  Although I am always confident, it doesn't mean making every decision is easy. All I want is for Keira to be okay. Balancing being a dad, my job, and attempting to have a social life is extremely difficult. I also have anxiety when it comes to dating. Let's face it. I was broken. I questioned every single day what I did wrong for months. I never came to a conclusion so I have a constant fear of rejection. A fear of doing whatever I did before which made me no longer desirable. As I stated before, I have a lot of confidence, but again, that doesn't mean it's not difficult. So it's all about balancing plates. I have to make sure Keira is 100% always. I never want her to see my insecurities. I have to give everything I have to her whenever she is with me and keep her at the forefront of my mind when she is not. While at work, my attention is turned and my main priority becomes just that. Always hoping the guys in charge see my dedication so when I need an exception because my daughter needs me, those same guys understand and don't hold it against me. And of course, my social life. It's difficult to make time for my family, my friends, and myself. Sometimes things go amazing and I feel like I am the king of the world. Keira is happy, things are great at work, and I have plenty of time for the other people in my life who are important to me. Other times, I feel so overwhelmed that I can barely stand it. The world feels like it's crashing down and it can feel incredibly lonely. For the single parents out there who find a way to kick ass at this, bravo. This is serious business. I don't think for a second it's not something I can't handle. Balancing plates is a real skill. I just have serious respect for the folks who have done it for years and kept it together. But I am completely on board. I will never quit and I WILL balance. Bring on the plates, and watch the show.

-Cam

I am thankful for: Days 1 through 365.

It's almost that time again. Time for giving thanks. I know because I see a lot of you posting things you are grateful for on Facebook everyday around this same time each year. Life can really be a kick in the junk sometimes and it's VERY easy to get wrapped up in all the things we DON'T have. All the things that are wrong in our lives. And now with social networking, I find it's very easy to compare ourselves to our friends, our peers, and our co-workers. I am especially guilty of this. I see where other people are at, and simply wonder why that's not me. Perfect marriages, and families, and big homes, and high paying jobs. It's easy to do when it's in our faces all the time. I am a social networking junkie. I love reading statuses, and tweets from my friends and family. I love looking at photos of everyone and their kids, and pets and awesome things. It doesn't mean I don't get jealous. It doesn't mean I don't wonder where I went wrong because the truth is I had all those things. Yet, when I think back to where I was a year ago, I was miserable. Completely miserable. I felt like my entire world was going to end. I didn't have a clue what was in store for me in the coming months, including where I was going to live, or if I even had a job.  It's a scary feeling. Fast forward one year later, and here I am blogging about being grateful. I have a nice apartment that is plenty for me and Keira. I have a job that I actually enjoying going to every day. I have an amazing family and friends. I have someone I love spending my free time with. I have everything I need and believe it or not, I am happier than I have been in years.

It's all about something to look forward too right? It's why the flight to your destination on a vacation is so much quicker than the flight home. The excitement of what's to come in life makes things so much better than dreading your future. I choose to be excited for what's to come. I choose not to let other's negativity bring me down. I choose to look around me and be grateful for all the things I have instead of the things I don't. Keira learns by watching me. I think more so then when I actually try and teach her things. My goal is to show her how to be a better person. This means continuing to do volunteer work and giving back. It means leading by example and spending as much time with her as I can. It means showing her what gratefulness is. I want her to understand that it isn't about possessions and superficial things. It's about feeling loved and safe each and everyday. Not feeling sad, or scared, and knowing you will be taken care of no matter what. Having confidence in yourself and doing your best everyday. At the end of the day, she and I both will be happy, grateful people and life will be good. 

A closed letter to my daughter...

I decided about 9 months ago there is so much I want to say to my daughter Keira. I mean a lot. I had been going though a a difficult time in my life and had finally come to terms with being okay with myself. I am so unbelievably in love with and grateful to my kid, but racked my brain trying to come up with a way to explain and share some of my most complicated thoughts, and feelings I have ever experienced with a 5 year old. "Hey Keira, just so you know... you are my rock. On my worst days, all I have to do is look at you sleep and everything is cool. Got it?" Let's be honest, how does somebody make a little one understand how important they are to you as a parent? If you are a dad or a mom, you get it. At least I hope you do. You look into your child's eyes and all you see is love. You see a better future. Far better than you could have ever hoped for yourself. I think for some of us, it's very easy to take that for granted. I know for a fact that at times, I was guilty of that. I think lately, I haven't been. With very little distractions in my life, I have been able to focus on what's important to me. The fact is, it's her. So I decided I wanted to write some of these feelings down, in real time. What I was confused about was how I was going going to be able to share these feelings with her. So I came up with a plan. If you know me, you know I am a technology junkie. There is nothing I am into more than the amount of cool things we have access too in the present time. I love social networking (as you all already know if you are reading this), and I wanted to come up with a way to share these thoughts in my head with Keira but at a time she was actually capable of understanding them. So... I created an email address for her (without her knowledge of course) and I have been writing her letters. These are letters she will not see for a very long time. These are private letters to her that I hope will someday (when she is old enough to understand) help her realize what an amazing effect she has had on her father. I want her to understand what an impact she made by just by being her and nothing more. The things I say are filled with nothing but love. There is zero negativity, but pure positive emotions written down that I hope will someday fill her heart with joy.

If you are a parent to a young child and can relate to this in any way, I encourage you to do the same. What a simple way for us as parents to not only let out some of these emotions we experience in a positive way, but also an unbelievable surprise for the little ones we love so much to one day understand how important they have always been to us. To have a way to feel the raw emotion we have had for them since they were so young. The email address and password will remain a secret until the day I decide she is ready to understand everything I have wanted to share with her for so long. My hope is that one day it will bring us closer together than we have ever been. Until that day comes, I will have a constant reminder of what is most important.

If I could write to the kid I was before....

Dear Camron circa 1998,

It's 2013 and I just got done putting Keira down for a nap. Keira is the name you will give your first born, your only daughter, and the apple of your eye. She is exhausted from a long weekend of camping with her mom and grandparents. I am no longer married to her mom and I am not going to tell you her mother's name. Don't let this stop you from giving all relationships you have everything you've got. It will all work out. You are 33 now and I promise that even-though everything seems crazy, and difficult, and super scary right now, it's 15 years later and you are doing fine. You will have become a great dad, you will have repaired the relationships with your family that you are currently still mending, and you will have some of the best friends a guy could ask for. Believe it or not, a lot of those friends are people you are friends with today. You are going to get to travel the United States and live all over the place. Don't be afraid to take risks. Don't be afraid to push yourself. Most importantly, as you continue to grow and learn as a man, always have confidence and be proud of any accomplishments, big or small. There are going to be some rough spots along the way. You will overcome. There will be times when it feels like the world is going to end. You will be strong and get through whatever it is. I'm not going to lie, at times things will flat out suck. That is part of life. Think about how much you have already overcome just in the last year. None of these battles will be too big.

Keira will teach you what unconditional love means. Embrace that feeling, because there is nothing in the world like it. She will keep you grounded so love her in the way your heart leads you. The things you are passionate about now won't change. (Music, Sports, Ect) Take photos and create memories. As many as you can. Days like today you will be so glad you did. The best part is, one day you will get to pass those passions on to Keira, and she will love them as much as you do.

Stay the course. Trust yourself. Everything is going to be alright, be strong, believe.

Life can be crazy

Hey friends and fam,

It's been a while since I gave an update so if you are interested, I figured I would share. Its been a crazy couple months for me but I am feeling pretty good about things all things considered. Things are officially settled down here in Colorado. Summer is here (almost over...) but for the most part, everything is under control. Keira seems to be doing pretty well and having fun at her day care summer camp. They have fun activities for her every day including a couple field trips a week which she enjoys and she is making friends. She is ready for 1st grade to start (1st grade!!) and we have been working on getting new supplies and clothes. I remember being SOOO excited as a kid to wear new clothes to school thinking it would help me be cooler. Clearly I was wrong. Ha! I love shopping for her though and finding deals although shopping is a lot less fun when you are broke. Oh-well, she will have what she needs so I suppose that is all that matters. I am finally pretty comfortable at work. I am making friends and have met some really cool people. I feel grateful every day that I have a job that I love and I know that I am super lucky with that. I have many friends who hate what they do and I never want to be in that place again. It's definitely a stress I am glad I don't have to deal with much. Don't get me wrong, I have my days but mostly it's awesome every day and it's rare I wake up not looking forward to going to work. I will say I absolutely love being back in Colorado. There is so much fun going on here all the time and a lot of it is free. I saw an amazing free show last week and am going to another one tomorrow and Sat. There is also so many cool places to take Keira. We have gone on some pretty awesome adventures together.

The only crappy thing I am dealing with is my stomach. I had to go to the ER a couple weeks ago for Pancreatitis. Although the doctors are unsure what caused it (this time), I saw a specialist who is convinced it is stress related. I guess that makes sense so I am doing everything I can to try and not sweat the small stuff. I am a pretty happy person most of the time so I am just trying to focus on the positive more and hopefully everything will go well. Without getting into the details, I ask that you throw some well wishes my way. Stressing about this is obviously the last thing I need right now. Keira and I have a trip coming up next month for my sister Mikayla's wedding which we are both super excited about! Virginia Beach, here we come! Oh yeah, and last month I won a trip to New York to see the NHL Draft. The Avs drafted 1st over all, (Yes, they blew it last season) and my great buddy Paul and I got to meet Nathan MacKinnon, the first over all pick. It was an incredible experience that I will never forget.

Gratefulness

How can somebody express gratitude in words and still really get a point across? I honestly believe it's not easy. I guess I would like to try. I don't consider myself anything special. Just another guy trying to do my best with what I have. The thing is, every so often I am reminded how lucky I really am. As you know if you are reading this, over the last couple months I took on a campaign to raise money for the March Of Dimes to help preemie and sick babies. I have started doing this in remembrance of my son Connor Michael who passed away when he was only 2 weeks old after being born at just 24 weeks.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and what could have been. I love that little baby, my son, so much and I am so grateful for the 2 weeks I had with him, as short as it was. Now that I am back in Colorado, I don't get to go visit him (his grave) and talk with him like I used too and that is very tough for me. This campaign was a way for me to connect with him and feel like I am doing my part so that maybe another parent somewhere will get a better shot at having a little one who is born too soon have a chance to stick around a little longer. So here is the deal. You, my family and friends, continue to show me how amazing people can be and a bunch of you proved it once again. Whether it was donating money, writing me a personal message to let me know you support me, coming to the actual walk, or simply being available to talk during a rough day, I have never felt more supported than I do now. I even had two friends who were not able to be here with us in Colorado to walk, go and clean Connor's marker by hand and put fresh flowers for him back in Las Vegas.

These are all things that blow my mind. Thank you guys. Seriously. Life is too short for bullshit. Take the moments life gives you and run with them. You never know how little time they may last. Be grateful for who you have. Children, family, friends, or whatever. I assure you somebody else that you know personally is not as lucky. It's easy to focus on the negative. Trust me, I know. Just do your best not to let life bring you down. Lucky for me I have Keira. She is my sunshine every morning that motivates me to do well. To keep on keepin on. Find your sunshine. I like to believe we all have some somewhere. 

-Cam

This song gets me every time

Stuck In The Middle

So it's been officially been 2 months since I moved to Colorado. Well, since WE have moved to Colorado. Keira and I are here, Keira with me half the time. She is with her mom the other half. Obviously her mom is here too. It's what is best for her so I am OK with it regardless of how lonely I am or how much I miss her or miss my previous life when she is gone. She has a great mom and I realize that, no matter what has happened to me. Up's and downs has been an understatement. I have accepted that struggling is a normal part of life for me. Some days things are great, others are as lonely as a person can feel. The good news is that I was able to transfer with my job. The shitty part is that the transition has not been easy, for many reasons. I am working on rebuilding friendships. Lucky for me, my family and the friendships I had before are still available via phone call and some of my Colorado friends as from way before are still there and here for me as well. My apartment is nice and I am happy with it even though its overpriced but what can you do? Little by little I am getting to where I need to be. I know I posted this video before but I think it's still very relevant. Someday things will be perfect, and it will be worth it, all this time, stuck in the middle....