#meant4more

Have you ever woke up one day and had the overwhelming feeling like somehow along the way, you might have really blown it? I felt that way a few days ago and it's been weighing on me. It has nothing to do with self pity, or not feeling like I am good enough or any of those types of things. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Every so often I think back to my teenage years and start obsessing on why. Like seriously, why?!? I realize a lot of you don't know my back story but I am not talking your typical "kids will be kids" scenario. It was bad. I am not going to get into the details because I don't think they are that important but I seriously missed the bus to normal-ville when it came to my high school years. Was I somehow able to bounce back? Yes. How? I dare to say that anyone who was around for that ride will not have an answer, including me. But this leads me back to potential. I look at my life now and I am obviously pleased. I am doing just fine for myself and my daughter. Especially given the circumstances. And don't get me wrong, I am proud of that. I just sometimes wonder "what if". What if I wasn't such a fuck up and had actually tried back then. What if I would have made better decisions then, which would have impacted today. For whatever reason, and maybe it's because I am a cocky SOB, I feel like I am suppose to be more. Honestly, I don't really believe there is any reason why I can't. Yes, there are going to be some limitations. I can't just up and move to California to follow a dream like I once could. I think that is okay. I just don't want to settle. Settling sucks. Being lazy sucks. I want to feel like I'm making a difference. I'll start with the difference I know I make for Keira. I know that is a good place to start.  I plan to let it snowball from there. I don't know how yet, but I am going to do something more. It may not be tomorrow, or next week, or even next month but it will happen in the near future. If you think this is lame, cool. This is for me. Being just satisfied sucks. I want more.